I didn't expect things to get to the point when I was considering whether to continue with the chemo or not, but this last treatment has put me into this place. Luckily, it is over half-way through my treatment, but still totally sucks.
Treatment 4 - left me very tired, but number 5 - has left me nauseous, unable to drink and still suffering severe 'pins & needles' 7 days after the last dose. The only medication that removes the nausea is one that knocks me out and makes me chemo-brain dead. So, after 3-4 days, I really try and reduce the usage of this drug.
Last night I cheated - I took one of the strong nausea tablets and didn't take my medication. I will take it one dose longer at the end of the week, but I knew I had to break the cycle. Result is that I have slept and woken, less nauseous than any day since the Oxyplatin. It seems that the combination of the Xeloda and the high dose of Oxyplatin in my system, just totally knocks me for a six.
I realise that I do need to be cured, but I also need to be able to function in a life that is worth living. Lying in bed each day, wishing for an escape from this life - is not living. So today - Day 7 after the last treatment, I have managed to wake up, see the sunshine and contemplate a small action plan for the day.
I am going to shower, get dressed, do a couple of loads of washing and then probably collapse back into bed, but at least I will have made it out of bed.
The research and conversations I have had with people, are helping, I am not 'making this up' - which my brain tells me I am. And, more importantly - I know that I can get through this.
So this is my story for today - hopefully tomorrow is a better today, because you can be sure it will be another day.